Thursday, April 17

13 From the Darkside

Thirteen Things a Grown Man Should Never Have
{now with five more at no extra cost!}
  1. A black eye. Unless the rim hits your face mid-dunk, your peepers should remain unblemished. You're smart enough to talk your way out of any fight you're going to lose.
  2. A witty e-mail signature. Quotes and song lyrics should be heard during toasts and karaoke performances, respectively. Don't let your electronic correspondence become the digital version of a motivational poster.
  3. An empty refrigerator. Your larder should be amply stocked, your pantry provisioned. Always aim to be ready to create an on-the-fly, three-course dinner for her...along with breakfast in bed.
  4. PlayStation thumb. When they're relaxing, grown men can behave like children. But if you devolve long enough to cause calluses or button-shaped bruises, you're assuredly missing out on life.
  5. A key chain with a bottle opener. This bauble is both a gauche reminder of your college days and proof that you don't know how to apply leverage using available, impromptu bottle openers: a lighter, the back end of a fork, this magazine.
  6. A lucky shirt. Every shirt is lucky when worn by a man who knows that the harder he works the luckier he'll be.
  7. An unstamped passport.
  8. Olympic dreams. Exceptions: curling and archery.
  9. Less than $20 in his wallet. Fiduciary nudity is negligence. A real man should always carry a business card and enough dough to pick up coffee, bagels, and the Sunday paper without whipping out the plastic.
  10. A name for his penis. Even if it's a really clever name.
  11. Any beer that costs less than $20 a case. And no exception for the grand-slam 30-pack that crosses that price threshold.
  12. The need to quote The Big Lebowski/ Caddyshack/Superbad. Reciting someone else's lines reminds people that you haven't the wit to write your own.
  13. A futon. Sure, beds are for sleeping. But such a meager, slouchy spread has never, in the history of sex, inspired a woman to say, "Take me on your futon."
  14. Code words for ugly women. Actually, code words for anything.
  15. A Nerf hoop in his living room. Keep the adolescent accoutrements where they belong: in the rec room or above the wastebasket in someone else's office.
  16. A secret handshake.
  17. Drinking glasses with logos. Especially those kitschy McDonald's Hamburglar ones.
  18. A recent story with the phrase "So I said to the cop..."


disclaimer: I did not write this list but rather borrowed it from Men's Health. I am just passing the information along. Remember. Don't shoot the messenger.
heh heh!

5 comments:

Rudy said...

1. I agree. grow up.

2. professional email sure, between friends - show your character. You have one don't you?

3. Not only have food but actually know how to cook that food. Warming spaghetti-o's doesn't count.

4. Some of us just aren't jocks. How is having a playstation thumb any less desirable than knowing the play by play of all the games in the Sweet 16?

5. Totally disagree. I don't smoke so why would I carry a lighter? I have an opener in my pocket because I drink real beer. I also have a cork screw in my car. Both have come in handy more times than I can count. Can I use a fork? yes but the proper tool for the job is a sign of intelligence. Put your screwdriver back in your toolbox and next time get the ice already cubed neanderthal.

6. my lucky shirt is whatever I am wearing when blondie's arms are around me.

7. I don't have a passport so stamps are irrelevant. refer to the geeks vs jocks topic - I am a homebody not a globe trotter. It doesn't so much matter where I am as who I am with.

8. curling? Ya der hey. Archery Rocks! State champion and 3rd in NW sectionals.

9. this has improved since the ex quit handling the money. LOL

10. that is her job. If you are going to name something it should require food and exercise and occasional vet visits.

11. if you want something cold and fizzy, stick to soda. You can't get a dui from a can of pepsi. If you want beer, drink beer.

12. I think the "need" to quote is the key here, not what you quote. Some people can be just as boring quoting obscure figures that bear only minimal relevance to the conversation. And, sometimes trading quips from fave movies is just plain fun and bonding.

13. Futons as the primary bed... you need financial help or a bigger place to live. Other than that they are multifunctional for the occasional guest and give you a place to sit and play your playstation.

14. That ugly woman is someone's daughter/sister/wife/mother and has beauty you failed to recognize because you are superficial and a jerk. grow up.

15. yeah, keep the nerf hoop in the office unless you rawk at nerf ball then put it center stage in the living room and shine lights on it. Quit letting other people tell you what to like or dislike.

16. who told you I had one???? That is where "secret" comes in.

17. robble, robble stick to classy ones like Shrek and Fiona. And quote from the movies while using them.

18. now if he had stayed home playing nerf ball or playstation there would be no cop to talk to in his story. So much for getting out there in the world......

blondie said...

LMAO!

I just spewed.

Nice comeback, honey. OMFG that is some funny stuff.

I will be back after I clean up the mess and get the kid.

LMAO!

~ b <--running to clean up the mess before heading out the door.

**word ver = *nuidkg*
Nude keg?
Does that mean one should be nude while drinking?

Rudy said...

nu-id drink-ing :-)

I am up for that. Then dribbles can just be licked up :-)~

(strategically placed dribbles that is - no alcohol abuse here)

Anonymous said...

I read it as Nudinking...bwaaahhhaaaaa

Olympic dreams. Exceptions: curling and archery, ah come on, everyone dreams....you rock Rudy, Archery, yu da man!!! That hurts when the string hits your arm...owwww

and occasional vet visits.

I just lost it on that one, toooo funny!!!!

LILY

Anonymous said...

ROFL!!!
t