Phones:

A tale of dysfunctional answering.

I have 3 landline phones in my house. Two are cordless and one is corded. They are spaced throughout the house for maximum phone coverage and answerability. {visualize a triangle with a phone at each point.} Of the three phones only one has caller ID display. Most of you know that as a general rule I screen calls and don't pick up unknown or private calls. I figure that if it is someone I know they will leave a message on the machine put there for their message leaving convenience. It is a rare day that I pick up the phone cold. {cold = without checking the display phone to see who is calling}

This morning shortly after I got up and before I have even had more than two sips of coffee the phone rings. I am in the kitchen. Upon hearing the ring I look on the table where I normally have the display phone. Not there. Shit! I forgot to bring it out of the den when I got up this morning. I hesitate for a second while trying to decide in my coffee deprived state of mind if I should just grab the phone that is less than 12 feet away cold or make my way quickly to the den to see who it is before picking up. I head to the den as the phone is echoing its second of only four rings before the machine picks up. I look up to the top of the desk.

GASP! The phone is not in its base! Shit! Where the hell is it??? I am still foggy from sleep and coffee deprivation and then it occurs to me that I left it in my room last night rather than get up out of my nice comfy bed and put it on the base. I turn quickly and head to my room as the phone taunts me with the third ring. I yell NOOO! WAIT!!! and grab the phone as it rings for the fourth time. Hoping that I have snagged it mere seconds before the machine does, I say Hello. No such luck. BASTARDS! The machine is now talking and I don't think my caller can hear me over that obnoxious guy who rules all that is my answering machine. {I have NO idea how to change the message but that is a post for another day, my friends.}

I race back to the kitchen where the machine is to hear Rudy saying "Hi blondie....". I hit the button while telling him that I am really ON the phone and we both have a good laugh.

Sigh.I wonder if there is a way to change the number of rings before that damn thing picks up. Obviously 4 rings is just not enough time to allow me to actually locate the display phone.

Or I could just pick it up cold.